I have the weirdest weirdo love life ever.

That kind of sums up everything. I don't even know if it's supposed to be called a "love life". People think I'm crazy and honestly, the rational part of me thinks I am too. I mean, no girl should ever have to go through what I'm going through in order to be with the one they love. And I mean it. No one. (Not even for guys)

But then again my heart tells me there's something worth it about everything I'm sacrificing and giving for this "relationship". Every time I'm on the verge of being all 'fuck it fuck everything I'm done with this shit', something just pulls me back. No matter how hurt I am I keep it to myself because I know that's best for everyone. And also before I do/say something impulsive and stupid that I'd probably regret afterwards.

I really don't know what's going through his mind though and everything's like a blur. One day he's extremely chirpy and nice and I think oh, this is good. Everything is going so darn well. But then days later it's back to square one again with me being skeptical and just plain tired etc. Question after question just spring up in my mind non-stop. Things like: what do they actually mean to him/am I really important to him at all? Yeah I think that's the most important thing I want to actually know. How important am I to him? Yeah yeah I know most people would probably say if you really are important to him, he wouldn't have done this blabla etc. But look, this is an entirely unique case that stands purely on its own. Which is also why it's impossible to ask anyone for advice. It's just like that "zing" moment in Hotel Transylvania. You just know he's the one but you can't explain how you know it. It's not something words can put forth adequately. I could try but I don't even think the essence of it can be captured.

I've seen stuff on the net like: he doesn't deserve you/just move on and find someone better/he's just playing with you and sweet-talking to you to make you stay/etc etc. Well logically I'd agree. But how can something like emotional connection/love (?) be explained with something as cold and dead as logic? I know exactly what it looks like to other people, that he's a womanizer and he doesn't deserve me. But it's really not like that. I also know that I sound like I'm just plain defending him for something that's so ridiculous.

I guess that's just it. He's like family. No matter how bad a kid gets I'm sure his/her parents would still love him. And that does NOT suggest condoning what he/she has done, but that's just it isn't it? You still have that special connection that's unexplainable by words, and you know it so well yourself.

The people you love the most often are the ones who are able to hurt you the most though. The reality of this I can testify to. That's kinda like Jesus. He loved everyone/healed everyone even though they threatened to kill him/hated him. It's what I would call unconditional love. This is the purest form of love that ever existed. REGARDLESS of actions/words. Love is still there. It doesn't even diminish the least bit. I'm sure Jesus can stand here and tell me straight in the face: Jayden, I love you so much. Even though you did xxx/yyy/zzz, the amount of love I have for you remains the same. It doesn't change because you did those things.

Everything's just kind of in a mess right now. Kind of. Because I feel like I have a grasp on some things, but the whole picture is a big blurry one.

Fell sick on the last day of BTs fml...

Been online for like 3/3 of my time awake, excluding the time I was sitting for my papers.

GAHH I need a life!!!!!!!!  For real! When I was a kid I used to think that by 17/18 I'd be clubbing all day long and stuff like that so I think I didn't live up to my expectation of myself as a kid?

Went to gym in the morning, followed by a small lunch and walk around JCube/IMM. I swear Daiso has numerous grumpy staff/temps(?) because they got pissed at us trying to ask for directions for a non-existent 'sports' section.

Us: Sorry may I know where we can find whistles?
Grumpy sales girl #1: There there at the sports section! *Furiously gesturing at some faraway location and promptly walking away with her trolley.
Us: Since when was there a sports section in Daiso...?

We walked two full rounds around Daiso, and as expected, found no such section. At this moment some stickers caught my attention and I excitedly picked two packets. And so we decided to ask someone else who looked equally bothered.

Us: May I know where's the sports section? (Yeah we were this polite okay!)
Grumpy sales girl #2: At the cosmetics area lah! (She then proceeds to converse with another grumpy girl.

This went on for a couple of times before we were finally smart enough to ask someone to direct us there. She looked pointedly annoyed, but nonetheless took us there. THEY LIED!! There was no sign saying 'SPORTS SECTION' or anything. (You know, Daiso usually has signs for each section)

Well kinda sums up my day, plus I spent $10 today T_T.

Cooked myself some porridge for dinner which turned out to be tasteless because of my blocked nose. (Yes I can cook)

Can't wait to bake my oreo cheesecake tomorrow!

What I love about myself

Hi, today I'm gonna introduce to you the love of my life. Her name is Jayden.

She has beautiful, almond-shaped eyes, petite little ears, a small and slightly sharp nose and a million dollar, heart melting gummy smile that never fails to brighten up people's days. She is a pretty petite girl and would love to grow, if only a little, taller than what she is now.

She does have little tantrums here and there, but they are never long and it is close to never.

At first look, she might not seem like much; just the typical sweet and quiet girl who would probably make a good friend.

But when you get to know her, you discover a new side of her. The side of her that is passionate about many things, and that loves life so very much. She gives easily and never expects anything in return because she just loves to see the smiles on the faces of those she loves.

This is just the beginning because there are simply so many things I love about Jayden that it is impossible to finish talking about it in a day.

Me, myself and I

I'm sorry it's going to be one of those posts. I feel like I've been floating around pretty aimlessly for the past few weeks. I hardly get to touch anything tangible. It's probably more of me trying to reach something, just that I don't really know what I want or even what I need. I haven't even been taking care of my body well; eating loads of junk food and just eating lots of food in general. I couldn't seem to have a definite tight reign over anything. Hardly any instances where I can confidently be like 'this is what I want, I am a hundred percent sure that I can and will do it.' No.

I want to really turn my life around. Find my passion and live like the woman I deserve to be. I wanna be able to take good care of myself and stop abusing my body. Just staring at my protruding ribcage and backbones made me feel so sad. And angry that I did this to myself.

Well I guess for starters it's great that I've admitted that I have issues and I really do need to change my mindset about so many things. I need to start loving myself and I promise to do the best I can for myself.

Where Am I?

The past week's been kinda hard, what with my emotional ups and downs. My mind frequently relapses into this state of sadness, then frustration, then desperation. I know that this has to stop. And I want to know how to stop it.

One of the possible explanations I have come up with is that I dramatize lots of things. I think too much about things that I really shouldn't dwell too much on. I want respite. Actually, I just want to be happy every single day. Yes, you heard that. EVERY single day. It's a hard thing for most and I agree that the troubles and daily chores of life can pull you down into this endless pit of boredom and frustration.

I wanna get in touch with the me that I've lost. I want her back. That carefree and jovial girl everyone loved. And I'm not stopping. I will try my best every single day to meet my happy goal. I want to find out how to study so hard and be so joyful at the same time. I would love that me! :)

Well my advice is that you simplify things. Look through the eyes of a child. Everything is intriguing and amazing. You laugh and you smile as if there was not a care in the world. There is a bounce to your step. And you believe that you can conquer the world.

Everyday, I can be physically exhausted. But my spirits will be high. I will not be emotionally and mentally worn down because life promises so much to look forward to. :)

You can't continue to let your life revolve around one person because you have so much to live for! It's just an added bonus.

Now do this: Gently, but firmly, place both your hands on your head and close your eyes. Take two deep breaths and smile the widest smile physically possible.

Then say this to yourself: Are you sad? Well don't be! Absolutely NO ONE has the right to take away your happiness. Take ownership of your feelings. They belong to you, and you are just as deserving as anyone in the world to be the happiest person on this planet.

When you're happy and smiling from the inside, remember that this is when you do the BEST things :)

So keep your head up, see the world with this new pair of eyes, catch the wind, and most importantly, love yourself.

xoxo,
thatwomanonheels

Emotional Roller Coasters

This is one phase man HAHA. Running, singing, crying, hunger-striking.

I was thinking with my heart! (yes, yes this is important please pay attention)

People should remember that the brain was created to think, not the heart lol. That's what most girls do in the fantasy-loving portion of their lives. Heck some people even think with their butts! How interesting. But you never know, there might be brain cells growing on some asses ;)

Most of us normal people aren't exactly compelled to use our brains unless we have to. That's why people think irrationally all the time.
"Oh I'm feeling sad... AND angry... AND lonely..........

Unfollow all my classmates on twitter!"

Yeah yeah Jayden (Yes that was really me, I'm afraid)

The emotional wreck whose actions were for the moment, at the moment, and most of all, stupid.

Hours later (oh well, at least that's how long it took for me, which I really don't think it's normal), I go "why did I ever do that?"

My answer to that, now would be 'oh well YOLO'

Just kidding! In actual fact it just feels fun to say it, like a really cool word we picked up in preschool and repeat it over and over again. You kinda get the idea.

(I'm sorry I'm skipping so many lines because honestly who loves reading chunky paragraphs?)

I DIGRESS I APOLOGIZE!

I'm 18 years old this year and I still throw tantrums. The silly kind where you sit on the floor and grunt and moan and bro fist the floor repeatedly. (Thrashing of legs included.) This was actually recent! I admit that I am conditionally mature. It depends on the situation I'm in, really, and as I said,

IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO EMOTION
(Once again in huge ass font size)

When I'm feeling good, I'm mature. When I'm not, I just wanna be that tantrum kid you see at the mall whose parents just wanna say 'that's not my kid'. What's maturity, actually? It's the point of time when you try to think like an adult. And sometimes, even adults can be immature too! So what I mean is, you'd try to think like the most selfless and diligent person on earth: I can do this/ I can do that/ I'm gonna finish up that last bit of homework. (And lies like that.)

I'm so sure adults have their kiddy moments too. Especially when my dad comes in and massages my head with a dumbbell and then proceed on to hammer my sister's back, which leaves us both scowling in the midst of trying to catch up on some work.

EMOTION EMOTION EMOTION (This is a reminder for me to stay on topic. Can be neglected.)

I've recently acquired a rather new ability of transferring my thoughts from my heart to my brain in times of lousy mood. (Admittedly, from my ass occasionally. Be reminded that it is extremely common to think with your buttocks.)

Okay, jokes aside, this is the real deal. Or what it really is to me. THINK, GIRL. What is a better alternative thought you could have/thing you could attempt to do? Instead of feeling sour and pissed (for a lack of a better word), pick up those dumbbells and pump those muscles!

Nah I'm joking, really. Take deep breaths first. This is sworn by me, IT WORKS. At the same time, it oxidizes your brain. (No it doesn't really work that way) Focus on the problem at hand and think about why you'd feel that way. Is there a good enough reason that you should feel this bad? If you manage to convince yourself, okay you're allowed to throw a tantrum. On the other foot, (I say foot because I'm a hipster, and who said I HAVE to say hand???) If you fail to convince yourself (which is pretty bad btw you need to hone those persuasion skills gurl), think about The Earth. It's a planet within a solar system, within the universe, part of God knows what IS the bigger portion of everything we think we know of. You're this tiny little dust mite whose problems are probably a gazillion times smaller (and stupid) so why worry? KIDS OUT THERE HAVE NO FOOD OKAY! All these major issues (which ARE globally and which you should probably be focusing on.), and you're sitting there having a big mac whining about how that guy doesn't like you? PFFT. (I have no words to describe this. This is the most apt sound I manage to make, so yeah, live with it.)

I sincerely apologise that I am unable to remain serious for long. But well I hope you've had a good time listening.

CIAO

xoxo,
thatwomanonheels

New Plan?

Been eating some full meals for the past few days and I already feel really guilty. But it doesn't matter now, I've kinda got a plan in mind for my meals in school: Fruits on non training days and food without rice on training days. I NEED to get to 85 pounds and I'm still at 93 because I misbehaved. Which means I still have about 8 more pounds to go.

At least if I'm at 85 pounds I'd still have around 5 pounds of leeway to ease myself back into my normal  meals. Enough of being chubby I'll never be chubby again.